I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
