Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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