I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize