yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
