if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
