I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
