Your face is a jimmy john
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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