so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
