I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
