9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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