I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
