i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
