You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
