I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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