yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
