Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
