Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
