My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
