I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
