im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
