I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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