I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
