my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
