1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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