like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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