It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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