I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
