Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
