I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
