did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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