The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize