I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
