i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
