Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
