I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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