who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
