is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
