I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
