I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
