Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
