She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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