I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
