My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
