I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
