and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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