Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
