Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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