I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
