I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You need Xanax blowdarts
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
