you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
