im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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