my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
