Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize