I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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