my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize