Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
