if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
