I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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