and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Randomize
