a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
