Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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