i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
