I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Randomize
