is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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