youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Boobs are out for the taking
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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