im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize