Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
