If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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