I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
