So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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