Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
