I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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