my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Two words: nipple clamps
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