I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
