Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
