I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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